Who is behind Cthulhu Coffee? Melissa
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Clue for the clueless
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Melissa in SpainA thorough search of the archives in Miskatonic University reveals very few references to Melissa Kaercher. Indeed, most of her research has been marked as classified and stored away in that big warehouse in Indiana Jones, right in between the Ark of the Covenant and Jimmy Hoffa. However, speculation about her work led to at least one movie script draft, and today it serves as possibly the most comprehensive study of her life.

Since the script is being held under wraps by Troma for possible future production, the only thing we can present here is the text from the back of the packaging for an action figure planned for the film:

New, from Mattel!

GLOOM RAIDER (tm) action figures! Collect them all!

See Cthulhu (tm) with his seething tentacle action, kung-fu grip and coffee cup! (Coffee not included.)

Watch Charles Dexter Ward (tm) become possessed by his Evil Ancestor (tm)! (Not suitable for children under 5 years of age.)

Observe as Shub-Niggurath (tm) crushes a Hapless Victim (tm) with one of its Thousand Young (tm)! (Hapless Victim (tm) and Thousand Young (tm) sold separately.)

And now, for a limited time only, you too could own the special edition action figure of the Gloom Raider herself, Melissa Kaercher (tm)! The figure comes with her own Nyarlathotep Soul Processor Mobile, a copy of her degrees, and her plucky pet dog, Kelsey (tm)!

Melissa (tm) also comes with a choice of play sets!

...Have her explore the Canadian tundra on the Arctic Action River Raft Expedition Set! Comes with miniature inflatable canoe, bug repellent, tent, and musk ox!

...Watch while she maps archaeological sites on the Castilian Adventure Roman Villas of Spain Set! Comes complete with transit, camera, bag o' souvenirs, and replica of the Villa de Materno!

...Help her escape from the Corporate Hell Set! Includes desk, paper clips, portable computer, and the Cafeteria of No Return!

...Observe her progress through a sci-fi convention with the Convention Craziness Set! Watch her post Cthulhu Coffee posters! Comes complete with tiny coffee maker, bottle of scotch, vinyl pants, and the Table of Endless Junk Food! Fanboys sold separately.

Batteries not included. Void where prohibited. Must be taller that 54" to ride this ride. $0.08 refund in VA, CA, NY and MD. Sorry, no C.O.D.

In 1997, Melissa and five friends coined the Pump Monkey Project, which debuted at Minicon 32, a science-fiction convention in Minneapolis, MN. The project consisted of several hundred phrases containing the words "Pump Monkey", which were subsequently turned into hundreds of signs and buttons by Melissa. The project earned both top prizes at Minicon that year: "Best of Con" and "Worst of Con".

In 1998, Melissa and the Pump Monkey Staff churned out another project, Anti-Mime, for Minicon 33. Like Pump Monkey, Anti-Mime consisted of a few hundred signs and buttons, all unique and bearing a mime pun. Anti-Mime won the "Best No Repeats" award, and a second award was named "The Zen Pump Monkey Award" and bestowed to another group.

In 1999, Minicon 34 self-destructed, and CONvergence was scheduled for the 4th of July weekend. Melissa and Ted had created Cthulhu Coffee separate from the Pump Monkey Project, and made herself busy with both groups, working nights churning out signs and buttons. The Pump Monkey Project for the year was named Fish!, and the signs bore photos of fish along with fish puns. It had a quiet, but positive reception. The Cthulhu Coffee Project, on the other hand, was a hit. The buttons disappeared in a matter of hours, and convention attendees stole signs off the walls.

Melissa ran the Cthulhu Coffee room party at CONvergence 2000 and 2001, but only with ample help from Ted and the other minions. She is now concentrating on designing a cabana and room party for CONvergence 4 in the year 2002. There will be more information posted as events develop.

The Crew
Web Minion and Editor in Chief


Slogan Wizard

Rick Managment

Code Warrior and Server Guru

Idea Mill

Research Division


Film Referentialist

Undersea Studies

Brainstorm Weatherman


Support Team
Chris H.
Christopher J.
Jason B.

Guardian of the Cup


In Brief

First update in two years! Unfortunately, the update says that this site will no longer be updated. Click here for more details.

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