Several hundred times a day, lest the invisible bugs burrow into my skin.
Every time I leave the laboratory, er, lavatory.
Never. I'm allergic to liquids.

2. Do you draw?

I have scrawled millions of little crosses on the walls of my cell in black crayon.
I have done some artwork. My last name is Pickman.
Not anymore. The rats have eaten my hands.

3. Do you write?

My last opus magnum consisted of a thousand single-spaced pages of "All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy."
Sometimes, although it is usually in a language I can't read.
Not since I returned from Innsmouth.

4. When you go grocery shopping, you:

...always wind up with that cart with the one wobbly wheel.
...are terrified of the feminine hygiene aisle.
...freak when they ask, "Paper or plastic?"

5. When you are apprehended and brought to an asylum, what explanation will you offer to the staff?

"My mother didn't love me enough."
"Oh, yes, and we took a vote and we ARE going to watch the World Series."
"HASTUR HASTUR HAST...!"

6. You have...

...several flocks of sheep.
...a deep friendship with that very special sheep.
...several shocked sleeps.

7. What do you admire most?

A gallon of beer and a major land war.
A gallon of gasoline and a major highway.
A gallon of milk and a major zit to pick.

8. When eating Oreos, what do you do?

I unscrew the cookie and eat the creamy insides first.
I eat the whole thing at once.
I soak them in milk then drink the sludge.

9. What repulses you the most?

Macramé
Latch-hook kits
String art

10. What habit do you exhibit most frequently?

I talk to myself in dead languages.
I hear voices in my head that tell me to assassinate the president.
I bite my toenails.

11. What do you consider yourself most successful at?

Eating with chopsticks
Macaroni art
Non-Euclidean geometry

12. When you are in large groups of people, how do you feel?

Like I should be impersonating Ethel Merman.
Like the hills should run red with the blood of my enemies.
Like I need to pee.

13. What do you wear to work?

A snappy suit and a bite mask
The skins of my enemies
One sock

14. Which appeals to you most?

Moe
Larry
Curly

15. Who do you get along with best?

This six-foot-tall rabbit named Harvey
This volleyball named Wilson
My right index finger, named Tony

16. How would you describe people of authority?

Intimidating
Illuminating
Tasty with crackers

17. Who do you think is in most dire need of a milkshake?

Calista Flockhart
Gwynneth Paltrow
Maria Shriver

18. What would you most like to own?

The Reader's Digest Condensed Books collection of the works of Abdul Alhazrad.
The 1956 Oscar Meyer Weinermobile
A bottle of NyQuil and a pencil

19. Your best friend is bitten in the face by the rare Sumatran rat monkey. What do you do?

I scream, "Singaia!" and chop his head off.
I would bite the rare Sumatran rat monkey.
I would ensure my lawnmower has new spark plugs.

20. What word repulses you the most?

Gangrene
Republican
Newark

21. Cthulhu shows up at your door. What do you do?

Gibber incoherently
Gabble incoherently
Jabber incoherently

22. Which ancient entity do you fear most?

Cthulhu
Yog-Sothoth
Mom

23. What is your most cherished possession?

My 8-track cassette collection
My collection of rare molds and fungi
The demonic possession that I came down with last November.

24. Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

Yes.
Maybe.
You're nuts.

25. Which do you prefer?

Cyclopean
Eldritch
Gibbering

26. What would be your ideal pet?

A goldfish
A hamster
A shoggoth

27. Which appeals to you most?

Tapeworms
OS/2
Yanni

28. How do you feel about other people's misfortunes?

I try to sympathize.
I giggle. A lot.
I am other people's misfortune.

29. Is it safe?

Yes, it's safe. It's very safe.
I honestly don't know what you're talking about.
No, it's not safe. It's very dangerous.

30. Choose one.

Milli
Vanilli

31. Choose one.

Abbott
Costello

32. Choose one.

Praline pecan
Rum raisin

33. Choose one.

The Monkees
New Kids on the Block
The Backstreet Boys

34. Choose one.

Oingo
Boingo

35. Are you bored yet?

Yes, but I'm a glutton for punishment.
Yes! Couldn't you have made this test any shorter?
YES! HOW many questions do I have left?

36. You have 68 questions left. How does that make you feel?

I'm relieved that it actually does have an end.
I've never felt so actively hostile.
What made YOU so bored that you had to write this test?

37. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound?

Yes, because it would produce a disturbance in the air, producing sound waves.
No, because without someone to perceive the sound, it does not exist.
Does it look like I give a damn?

38. Do these jeans make me look fat?

Er, no...
Um, I plead the Fifth.
No, your fat butt makes you look fat.

39. Choose one.

Gaffer
Key Grip
Best Boy

40. Fill in the blank: Duck, duck, ______.

Goose
Gray Duck

41. Choose one.

Soda
Pop
Cola

42. Choose one.

Cash machine
ATM
Tyme machine

43. Choose one.

Hot dish
Casserole

44. Choose one.

45. Choose one.

Jackie Chan
Charlie Chan
Carol Channing

46. If you were stranded in a lifeboat with no hope for rescue, who would you kill and eat first?

Hannibal Lecter
The Bee Gees
Jar Jar Binks

47. If you had the ability to eradicate something from the human record, what would you get rid of?

"New Coke"
Gilligan's Island
Disco

48. Is that bacon?

Yup, it's bacon.
Not sure. Smells like it.
That is definitely not bacon.

49. What would you do if I gave you a block of pasteurized processed cheese food?

Um, eat it. Why?
Why, I would carve it into the shape of something rude and scare women in the subway with it.
I would bury it and dig it up 10 years later to find out if it was unfit for bacteria to eat.

50. You're STILL taking this test?

Yeah, but you really could have made this shorter.
Yes, because it's 3 AM, I've already scanned the porn sites, and I have nothing else better to do.
Not really; I'm just clicking the third button for every question.

51. Do you eat broccoli?

Yes
No
Only the pieces that talk to me.

52. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

Yes
Not anymore
I'm definitely NOT into coitus with toys, thank you.

53. How stoned is Shaggy, anyway?

Not very, we all have bipedal talking dogs.
Very. I mean, would you be doing Thelma?
I don't know, but I get the feeling that he should replace Casey Kasim on America's Top 40.

54. You get a package from Miskatonic University. It contains a copy of the Necronomicon. What do you do?

I would read it, go insane, and turn my family into frog-people.
I'd burn that baby and move without leaving a forwarding address.
I would sell it on E-Bay for a mint and buy a nice villa in Italy.

55. You have just moved into your ancestral home, and the scrabbling noises in the walls are driving you bonkers. What do you do?

I would call the Orkin man.
I would make a home movie of the place and sell it to "America's Funniest Plague-Ridden Houses"
I would continue to live there, and while searching for the rats, I would stumble upon the secret underground temple built by my pagan ancestors. Then I would go nuts and eat my entire family. With a nice béarnaise sauce.

56. You are outside your house with some friends when you hear bloodcurdling screams, loud squishing sounds, and unintelligible chanting from inside your house. What do you say?

"Does anyone know any good exterminators?"
"Ia! Ia! Cthulhu ftaghn!"
"Ah, that would be my mom."

57. Would you prefer to be...

...Mr. White?
...Mr. Blonde?
...Mr. Pink?

58. Do you think you could kill someone... with a drinking straw?

That's absurd.
I'm sure there's some way to do it.
There are eleven ways to kill someone with a straw. Twelve, if you keep the wrapper.

59. What is your favorite part on a mini-golf course?

The windmill
The giant clown face that eats golf balls
The dinosaurs that eat the children. Wait, that wasn't mini-golf...

60. Have you ever eaten anything not generally considered edible?

Yes
No
Does pasteurized processed cheese food count?

61. Do you have voices in your head?

No.
Only a few.
Yes, and they talk to the voices in the broccoli.

62. How many licks does it take?

A-one.
A-two.
A-three.

63. People describe you as...

...an "ideas" person.
...a "project-oriented" person.
..."that freak who lives underneath the neighbor's fuel oil tank."

64. What irritates you?

People who make that little "quotation mark" gesture with their fingers.
Push-button phones that are made to look like rotary-dial phones.
Insipid, overlong, faux psychology tests that try too desperately to be funny by referring to themselves as insipid and overlong.

65. What sort of music puts you "in the mood"?

Military marches
Gregorian chants
Anything by John Carpenter

66. What is your idea of a great night at home?

A lutefisk meal and Turbulence 3 on video
Learning to tango with your pet hamster
Web programming

67. What happen?

You have no chance to survive make your time.
Somebody set us up the bomb.
All your base are belong to us.

68. If you were to choose to become a Lovecraft entity, what would you be?

Nyarlathotep
A shoggoth
A six-foot tall albino subterranean penguin

69. How would you complete this Lovecraft title: "The Thing ___ ___ ___"?

on the Doorstep
with the Deal
starring Kurt Russell

70. Did your family ever eat meatloaf?

Mmmm, meatloaf...!
We would never stoop so low.
We preferred to eat the brains of our enemies.

71. Do you like being yourself?

Most of the time.
Some of the time.
I would much rather breed with a marsh entity, loose the use of my eyelids, and raise up a race of half-amphibians.

72. How would you describe your family?

Close and loving, but not clingy.
Detached and aloof, but all right.
Eldritch and cyclopean, but only sometimes gibbering.

73. What are you?

Idealist
Fascist
Scientologist

74. What's your idea of an ideal, romantic date?

A blanket and some shooting stars.
A point blank hit while shooting some stars.
A trip to Yuggoth.

75. Your dreams are in ...

...black and white
...full Technicolor
...impossible angles, and they involve a lot of gibbering

76. You haven't given up on this test yet? What's wrong with you?

I feel "oddly compelled" to finish this thing, no matter how bored I am.
Well, it beats watching Son of a Beach reruns.
I'm still just choosing the third answer for everything.

77. If you were offered Cthulhu Coffee, would you drink it?

Ew, coffee is vile.
Yes, but only because I might be eaten by a shoggoth if I didn't.
Drink it? I would imbibe it interveinously if I could.

78. When do you think the most about coffee?

In the morning
All the time
During coitus

79. Would you add cream to Cthulhu Coffee?

Yes. Anything to dilute the terror.
No, but only because I know it would make it mad.
No, because the feeling of the pure stuff eating through my neurons is rather pleasant, once I got used to it.

80. Would you add sugar to Cthulhu Coffee?

Yes, I would certainly try.
No, because I have a healthy fear of what is in the black depths of the cup.
No. It wouldn't let me.

81. Do you use artificial sweetener, you coward? You do, don't you!

No! And I am insulted at the accusation!
Umm, no...
Umm, yeah. Why? Should I be worried?

82. What does your handwriting look like?

Like it belongs at the bottom of the Declaration of Independence.
I dot my i's with any symbol represented in Lucky Charms cereal.
It can be read only by bar code scanners.

83. Honey, have you seen my angora sweater?

Uh, no...
Yes, but let me wash it for you.
Pink one? Frills on the side? Pearl buttons? Nope. Never seen it.

84. Choose one:

Peeps
Twinkies
Spam

85. Which Star Wars character would make the best Marx Brother?

Watto
Solo
C-3PO

86. Speaking of Star Wars, why did Anakin Skywalker turn to the Dark Side, anyway?

The Empire's pension plan is damn fine.
Medium Side wasn't accepting applicants.
Grew bored with Amidala, and wanted to get some of that Palpatine poon-tang.

87. Did anyone actually like Episode I: The Phantom Menace?

Not really.
No.
Definitely not.

88. Is it colder in winter, or on the farm?

In winter.
On the farm.
African or European?

89. Is it really better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick?

Yes
No
OH MY GOD MY EYE!!

90. What sort of peanut butter do you like?

Low Fat
Creamy
Crunchy

91. Who should we eat first when the sandwiches run out?

The fat one.
The thin one.
The one in the middle.

92. Ginger or Mary Ann?

Mary Ann
Ginger
Mr. Howell

93. Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

No.
Yes.
I think so, but where are we going to find rhubarb at this time of the night?

94. Where does he get all those wonderful toys?

E-Bay
Victoria's Secret
Amway

95. This man has no dick.

True.
False.
Well, that's what I heard!

96. What's your favorite flavor of Girl Scout cookie?

Brownies
Thin Mints
It doesn't matter. They're not really made from Girl Scouts anyway.

97. How many beers would it take for you to sleep with Mimi? (The Drew Carey Show)

All of them.
There isn't enough liquor on the planet. And there never will be.
Mimi? Hell, I want a threesome with Drew and Ryan Stiles!

98. What were you like in grade school?

I was the kid who would remind the teacher that she forgot to assign homework.
I would sit in the coat closet and eat paste all day.
Ever see "Village of the Damned"?

99. You're almost done with the test. How do you feel?

If I ever meet the Web Minion, I'm going to kill her on sight.
A little lightheaded from all that NyQuil I drank earlier.
I feel like that guy from As Good As It Gets... like I can't get clean.... as if I have been using AOL all this time...

100. Pick your weapon of choice:

Chainsaw
Thermoneuclear missile
Maury Povich

101. When you go out to eat, what would you rather do?

Pick your teeth with the steak knife
Pick someone else's teeth with the steak knife
Enjoy those fava beans

102. What scares you the most?

Comprehension of the myriad horrors waiting for everyone in the abyss
Flesh-eating zombies
Mom

103. When confronted with a difficult problem, you:

...shoot the Deadites with your sawed-off shotgun, jut out your chin and command, "Hail to the king, baby!"
...offer your offspring and spouse to the Elder Gods.
...run like hell and promptly trip over a twig.

104. This is the last question. How do you feel?

Ergh. Aargh.
I feel like I just recovered from the stomach flu.
Ever hear of primal scream therapy?