Okay, this is just about the only thing Cthulhu Coffee actually produces: advertising. That's right! We're all about self-promotion, even though we don't have anything to promote other than ourselves. But people seem to get a kick out of it. So here it is, your yearly dose of Cthulhu Coffee slogans. We have something like 200 of them for you this year.
You may also note that all of these slogans are linked to their original .pdf files. Feel free to print them out and use them for your own nefarious purposes! If you print one of these out and put it up someplace interesting (like the St. Louis Arch, the Great Wall of China, or up George W. Bush's butt), send us a photo! We'll credit you, put the photo up in the News section, and all the Elders and minions will break into spontaneous applause. (Legal-ese time: Remember, be responsible and sensible. We're not to blame if you get bitten, shot, burnt, sued, insulted, or otherwise maimed or wounded because you were trying to do something dumb with a Cthulhu Coffee sign.)
Enjoy!
Melissa
Ted
Jason
Dan
Kyle
Rick
..and the ancient prophecies foretell: "Thus, in an age to come, shall Nyarlathotep come to be known as Denny Green and his evil will be without end."
An essential part of every Springer chair-fight.
Are you alone tonight? This the only beverage that talks back. (Warning: Listen at your own risk.)
As a species goes, you are quite delicious.
Come on in! The angles are fine!
Congressional inquiries into the composition of this product have resulted in heavy casualties.
Do not attempt at home: professional stuntman on a closed course.
Do something about all that healthy food your doctor makes you eat.
Doesn't need a machine for foam.
Don't cry over spilt milk but run from spilt coffee. Run fast.
Don't let TV ruin your kids! Try some dark-roasted goodness….
Don't worry about melting your tongue. You won't be able to think coherently for much longer.
Earth: 7 continents, 5 oceans, 1 coffee.
Ever heard a sugar cube scream? You will.
Fear and loathing in a cup.
Genghis Khan? Hitler? Vlad the Impaler? Tea drinkers! All of ‘em!
Guaranteed to get rid of the monkeys.
Hemorrhaging, schmemorrhaging. Pass the creamer!
I warned you about spamming the Elder Gods…
I'm not crying; that's the clear stuff leaking out of my eyeballs.
I'm not happy to see you, that IS a tentacle in my pants.
If you hold a shell to your ear, you can hear the ocean. If you hold our coffee to your ear, you can hear yourself screaming. (You just poured hot coffee in your ear, idiot!)
In cafes, no one can hear you scream.
Inspired by real events.
Is it red wine or white wine with madness? Oh, wait; its coffee!
It can smell fear.
It'll make your bones sticky.
It's Dyno-rific!
It's the nastiest tempered beverage you'll ever see!
Just ooze it!
Like sands through the hourglass, so are the drips of your sanity.
Loathsome. Blasphemous. Grotesque. Membranous. This could be you!
Mesa no wants no more! "Too bad!"
Never will you find such a cup of scum and villainy…
Now with extra gibbering!
Rocky Horror was a documentary. This is coffee.
Sanity: how often do you use it, really?
Scream until you can't scream anymore, it won't help: There are free refills!
Self-control of bodily functions is overrated.
Slow roasted and brewed fresh for more hysteria in every drop!
Snootchie bootchies, indeed.
Soft as a Shoggoth's bottom.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Sip insanity.
Sugar loaded. Caffeine laden. Sanity free!
Surgeon General's Warning: This product may cause vast, leaping shadows, half-acoustic pulsing, and thin, monotonous piping of an unseen flute.
Taste testers agree: They're hopelessly insane!
The FBI framed you for murder, the CIA has targeted you for assassination, and a well of pure evil has erupted in your backyard. Refill?
The Freshmaker!
The Motion Picture Association of America has rated the following coffee C: for Cyclopean.
The only beverage guaranteed to go "bump" in the night!
The Poison Hotline will hang up on you. They know better…
Voices in your head? Give them faces!
Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat. Wait, that's not a rabbit! That's not a hat! Aaaaagh!
We prefer the term "vibrationally challenged".
We switched the imported coffee in a fine, New York restaurant with our own unique blend. Could they tell the difference? Who knows? They all drooling, gibbering maniacs now!
What's cyclopean, smells like the sea, and sees odd angles? YOU! After just ONE cup!
When you realize your sanity is slipping away with every cup; THAT is an epiphany!
Won't stain padded cells.
You think Christine Aguilera got where she is by singing?
You want a blue fairy, kid? I got yer blue fairy for ya…
You will hear cries and moaning that will reach levels previously unknown to man; a tumult of sounds that threatens to rend the very fabric of reality asunder. Only four human words can quell this tide of rage and terror: Brew a New Pot.
You're soaking in it! (Oh, that's your own urine. Sorry.)
Your body is a temple. Now sacrifice something in it!
Your friends and relatives won't recognize you. (You won't either, for that matter.)
Your mind will be crushed like the dried husk of a Mi-Go under the feet of writhing ghouls as they march to their dark mass to make sacrifices to Hastur. Or you might need more sugar.
...and now for something completely evil.
- About Rick
Jen
Jay
Sharon
Don
